Pre-Departure Thoughts

As everything comes to the finish line and my departure draws closer and closer, I thought I’d share my thoughts right before leaving. The question of “are you nervous?” continues to be the most popular I receive. The answer remains the same – no. I’m not nervous or scared or crazy because I’m doing this alone. And then comes the next common question…“why are you doing this? What are you trying to prove?” I’m not trying to prove anything, but the question of why I’m doing this is a good one. So, why El Camino?

I have wanted to walk El Camino De Santiago since right after my freshman year of high school. Back when I was just 14 years old. I learned about it in my Spanish class at the time and it fascinated me. I said, “someday, I’m going to do that”. Which, really, is very unreasonable. Fast forward 5 years and I’m struggling with my mental illness, as I’ve mentioned before. It gets to the point where the debate begins with my parents of if I should leave school or not. When it came down to it, I thought, “okay, so I may not be in school anymore, but I’m going to walk El Camino now.” Reasonable yet? Probably not; still a pipe dream. Instead of the depression getting better as we had hoped from pulling me from Ohio State, I ended up lower than I had ever been. I questioned why I was the way I was. I didn’t even remember the person I was before depression; to be honest I still don’t. I wondered why I couldn’t fix it. Why I was even still living when I didn’t want to anymore. And yet, I’m still here. In the weeks that followed my stay in the mental ward, I wondered more on why I was still alive. There was a reason I hadn’t killed myself. Enter a trip to Guatemala, time with Hannah and Sam, meeting an amazing crew from Michigan who welcomed me into their arms and opened my eyes even wider to the love of God and more importantly how to love Him back. Enter an incredible 5-year-old boy who I knew in an instant upon laying my eyes on him, he was meant to be mine in a way. God knew what He was doing with me. I may never know His plans for me, but He does. He’s working in me. Enter an accidental discovery that Pinkerton was hiring a JV lacrosse coach and a “why not” on a haphazard application. Enter a throwaway conversation when filling out paperwork for the lacrosse job I somehow actually got that lead to an interview for a full time position teaching at Pinkerton Academy. And somewhere along the line, deciding “this summer break between teaching school years, I will walk El Camino De Santiago”. I may have always said I was going to walk El Camino De Santiago, but God decided this for me. And that is why I’m doing this.

Do I know what I’ll find along The Way? No clue at all. Well, what am I hoping for? I don’t know. You mean, I don’t have a goal? Nope. I’ll get to Santiago when I get there. It’s not the goal that matters; it’s every step in between. Every laughable mistake, every tear from pain, every smiling face I meet along The Way and the rude ones, too. It’s not the goal that matters at all, it’s living this life in between.